Randomverse
by FanfictionWriter83729
Summary: G1 crack drabble series. It's the random adventures of an Autobot, a Decepticon, and a human.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Summary: **G1 Crack drabble series. It's the random adventures of an Autobot, a Decepticon, and a human.

**Rating: **K+

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Randomverse

The human stared into red, vicious optics, attempting to pry loose before the monster's grip tightened. The human gave a gasp of pain, and then glared at the captor.

"What the hell, man? What the hell? Can't a squishy go walking _anywhere _in peace anymore?"

"Nope," the Decepticon said, already walking away from the scene of the abduction, making sure to leave obvious signs of the crime behind. "It's Friday. You know what that means."

"Megatron had another weird, unnecessarily complex machine-of-doom built?"

"Nope, that's tomorrow."

"We're off to fight on another planet or in another time period?"

"No," the Decepticon said, casually walking down the street, pausing to let a couple of ducks and their ducklings pass before continuing on. "That's Thursday."

The human thought back to the schedule. "Dammit. You mean I'm being used in one of those use-the-humans-against-the-Autobots plan again?"

"Yup."

The human muttered a curse. "Don't you have some other human to bother?"

"Look, kid," the Decepticon said, stopping for a pedestrian light and looking at the victim. "We all have our token rivals. Megatron has Optimus, Soundwave has Blaster, Starscream has Skyfire, and I have that Autobot. And then the Autobots all have their token humans. You happen to be his. Therefore, I have to take you."

The human sighed exasperatedly, and then looked around. "At least you did it with some witnesses around this time. You can't imagine the number of people who won't believe you when you say 'I was kidnapped by a Decepticon' as an excuse for not handing in an assignment."

The pedestrian light changed, and the Decepticon kept walking. "We're an evil race bent on the destruction of your planet. Your schedule is the least of my concern."

"How long is this going to take?"

"It's going to be an overnight thing this time."

The human sighed. "Which means I'm gonna be missing out on a 'very important' dinner, in which I'm supposed to act nice to my future father-in-law and mother-in-la—" The human broke off, lost in thought.

"And I suppose that this counts for a convenient time to get kidnapped?" the Decepticon asked smugly.

"You planned this, didn't you?"

"As you humans say: Duh."

"Fine." To the surrounding witnesses, the human offered an unenthusiastic, "Oh no. Optimus, save me." Then the human's attention turned back to the Decepticon, elbows propped up on the metallic fingers. "After this, do you and your Autobot nemesis want to go check out that new movie?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Summary: **More random adventures of an Autobot, a Decepticon, and a human!

**Rating: **K+

**Author note: **This scene is inspired by a Garfield comic strip, in which Garfield catches a mouse and…well, you'll see.

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Randomverse

**The Second Drabble**

It was a dire situation. The Autobot was trapped, pinned to the wall by his nemesis, his useless weapons lying broken several metres away from his reach.

"You'll never get away with this, Decepti-scum!" he spat, trying in vain to loosen the Decepticon's grip around his vocal processors.

"Think again, Autobot," the Decepticon sneered, activating his weaponry. He smiled then, showing row upon row of sharp, deadly teeth. "Do you know what's going to happen next?"

"Um…" the Autobot paused, thinking seriously for an answer. "No, actually."

The Decepticon's optics shuttered in surprise, and his death grip on the Autobot loosened just a smidge. He looked slightly behind himself, as though expecting a third party to enter at any moment.

"I mean, something else usually happens at this time, doesn't it?" the Autobot continued, peeking over the Decepticon's shoulder. "Like other Autobots come to the rescue, or Megatron comes in with a really random order, or…"

There was silence.

"You don't know either, don't you?" the Autobot said finally.

The Decepticon growled, and then released the Autobot. The Autobot promptly landed on his aft.

"Owie. I hurt."

"Come on," the Decepticon said, leading the way with the Autobot picking himself up and trotting after him. "Let's go ask Megatron and Optimus. Maybe they know."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Rating: **T. The human has a tendency to curse a lot.

**Author note: **I am having quite a bit of vindictive fun towards the "human-fixes-Decepticon" storyline we sometimes find in fanfiction. That is not to say that such a story is poorly written (for that matter, go read "Collision" by "The Feesh" right now!), and when the human insults the script, it is _my _script (that will never be written) that is being spoken of. Basically, I'm just here to have fun; I mean no insult to anyone.

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Randomverse

**Third**

There was a Decepticon in the background, broken and damaged. And though the human was perfectly aware of what the Decepticon was capable of doing…something in him inspired pity from the organic creature.

"Oh, hell no," the human said, coming into the backyard. "Not this again."

"I'm not happy about it either, kid," the Decepticon said shortly. "Unfortunately, we both have to go through this. So repair me already."

The human glared, arms crossed. "Why should I?"

"It's in the script."

"What? Let me see that." The human snatched the tiny script from the Decepticon, reading it over, eyes widening. "Who the hell writes this shit?"

"Beats me."

"Can't the Original Character Union do something about this? This totally violates our rights as vaguely three-dimensional characters."

"Kid, they've been trying ever since this fandom was born, but the Mary Sue Committee never let them get away with it."

The human groaned. "Why does that committee even exist?"

"The same reason that sticky fics exist."

"Why's that?"

"You think I know?"

The human sighed, went inside the house, and got out a large generic toolbox, and began to rummage through it. "I don't even know why we're doing this. You'll just kidnap me after I repair you to use in a use-the-humans-against-the-Autobots plot."

The Decepticon looked vaguely surprised. "How do you know that?"

"It's Friday."

"Ah, of course. But you'll never know. Perhaps I shall be grateful to you for helping me, spare your life, and over time we will become great friends."

They looked at each other, and then laughed.

"I can't believe you said that with a straight face," the human said, recovering slightly.

"I'm a _Decepticon_," the Decepticon answered by way of explanation.

The human sighed then, and from the toolbox retrieved a spoon and a rubber duck. "You do realize that I have absolutely no idea where to even begin?"

"Doesn't matter."

"Huh?"

"Haven't you noticed that the humans can screw up in any which way in these storylines and we'll still come out unscathed?"

"Ah."

The human immediately began to work. "You know, I don't know why you guys can't go to your own damn medics. I mean, you don't even have proper ones, but still, _someone _on your base has to know how to freaking repair…" The human took out some wires, shrugged, and then tossed them away. They couldn't have been important.

The Decepticon rolled his optics. "I know. Apparently I can't go to them for pride or something because we're just that badass. Slagging storyline. Myself? I'd rather go see a certified doc any day."

"Ordinary humans who compassionately fix a Decepticon should be locked in an asylum," the human continued, coming at him with a dinner plate and a banana. "Or at least should be kept away from small children."

"Well, that's not very nice," the Decepticon admonished lightly. "You would punish them for their kindness?"

He received a pointed look from the human, and more flying wires coming out of his torn leg. "No. The way I see it, people who would shelter/heal/be nice to a Decepticon are just as likely to be shelter/heal/be nice to a thief/hired gun/mass murderer. It would be a public service. Realistically though? If I ever found an injured Decepticon on my doorstep, I'd scream a bit, call the Autobots, and scream some more. That's what a _normal _person does." The human looked up, really, really annoyed. "That is, a normal person who isn't under a damn contract. Stupid script. 'I want to be an Original Character' in the Transformers 'verse, I said. 'It'll be a fun experience,' I said. I should have listened to my mother…"

"Strange that you put it in such context," the Decepticon said, watching as the human grumbled to no one in particular. "It is kind of weird that people who would shelter a Decepticon wouldn't think twice about turning in a serial killer."

"I call it double standard. You know," the human added, rearranging the Decepticon's gears so they looked somewhat like the Big Dipper constellation. "This kind of reminds me of a fairy-tale kind of thing."

"Really? Which one?"

"The one about the farmer and the snake. You see, this farmer goes to his field in the middle of winter, and finds a snake freezing to death there. The farmer feels sorry for it, and warms it up in his arms. The snake regains consciousness, and then bites the farmer. And the farmer dies, he says, 'what the hell did you do that for?' and the snake replies, 'It's just my nature, bitch.'"

"Ah. So you imply that these human-heal-the-Decepticon storylines will rarely end well…just because it's not in our nature to be grateful?"

The human shrugged. "You're a Decepticon. I have a hard time seeing you being grateful to _your own faction, _let alone your own species. Being grateful to a squishy? Yeah, right. Someone's been smoking something. Okay," the human added tiredly, slamming down the armour plating on the Decepticons…er…repaired innards. "You're ready to go. You can go kidnap me now."

The Decepticon regarded the human. "No, I don't think I will."

The human blinked. "Huh?"

"You know it's going to happen. It defeats the purpose. You're supposed to feel betrayed."

"Oh. Well…that's good." The human walked back to the house, opened the door, and walked inside. "You know, you did just debunk most of the moral of the story."

"And you're dismayed?"

The human gave a short laugh, and then slammed the door shut.

The Decepticon shrugged, got up, and walked away.


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Summary: **Drabble. The Autobot and the human have a deep and meaningful conversation.

**Chapter rating: **K

Randomverse

**Fourth**

It was a quiet day at the Autobot base, and the human and the Autobot were in the recreation room, the human with a cup of coffee and the Autobot with a cube of energon. They cherished these rare times of serenity, times where they could just simply have deep and meaningful conversations, discussing strange phenomenon that were, as of the moment, beyond their ken.

"Where does it go?" the human asked.

The Autobot looked down at his companion. "Where does what go?"

"All your mass. You know, when you guys transform? I mean, Skyfire is big, but on two legs he doesn't look big enough to shuttle several 'bots around. And twenty foot-tall Soundwave shrinking into a boom box? Megatron doing the opposite of one-size-fits-all with his gunformer routine? Optimus' _freakishly large trailer just disappearing?! _I mean, to put it simply, your stuff just vanishes, and then comes back again! Where does it all come from? Where does it all go?"

The Autobot looked off into the distance, and then took a sip of energon. His optics clouded in thought. He nodded after a pause, as if enlightened, and answered in a solemn voice, "Somewhere that is not here."


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Transformers, and that's probably for the best.

**Summary: **Drabble. The human would do anything for the Autobot, but, seeing the mess that the Autobot got them into, defection was looking really tempting. Please watch out for pieces of the fourth wall, our intrepid trio forgot to clean up after themselves again…

**Rating: **K+

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Randomverse

**5**

The human would do anything for the Autobot, but, seeing the mess that the Autobot got them into, defection was looking really tempting.

Basically, the human was regretting letting the overenthusiastic Autobot talk them into doing contract work for fanfiction. The regret deepened with each passing moment that they stood there, in front of yet another enthusiastic and questionable writer.

But as for the third member in their party…

"Why are you even here?" the human asked the Decepticon.

The Decepticon shrugged. "Deus ex machina," he said dismissively.

The director of this particular piece of fanfiction assured them, with a hearty laugh, that no bodily harm ever came to the OCs. They were then handed a copy of the latest chapter.

Then the director walked away very quickly as they read over the script.

The Autobot would be playing the part of "Cannonfodderbot," the Decepticon was "Expendablecon," and the human would be "Taylor Redshirt."

"Well," the Autobot said brightly. "I feel very good about this."

"You would," the Decepticon muttered, gingerly thumbing through the rest of the script. Quietly, he continued, "Ouch. That is _so _going to hurt," and, "That particular plotline is _so _overdone," and, more loudly, "I'm going to have to do _what_ with a paperclip and a megaphone?!"

"I don't know about you guys," the human said, sighing and casting a tired look to the Autobot and the Decepticon. "But I think I'm going to need a stiff drink after this."

The Autobot didn't understand why his little buddy looked so beleaguered—indeed, this particular chapter seemed full of very much fun—but he nodded nevertheless. "I'll go reserve a place at Phil's."


End file.
